“Everyone remembers that moment they met the person they want to be with forever, but for these girls that moment is being shared with 21 others”.
So says the brilliant, touching and just-a-little-bit-surprising introduction to our first trailer for The Bachelor, Season 4, Return of the Richie. And let’s hope the season delivers on that early promise: Richie is bound to be brilliant. We assume there will be touching. And I’ve got a feeling there’ll be a surprise or two just around the corner (if you can call them surprises when all the good bits are pre-promoted to death).
Welcome, closet romantics, telly addicts, no-lifers, to my blog. It’s not my first attempt at doing this, and hopefully will be the first of many musings on all things which tickle my fancy. But enough about me. We’re here to discuss Richie Strahan and his search for True Love.
According to Channel 10’s gumpf, Richie will be wooed by “22 of Australia’s most stunning and eligible bachelorettes. Aged between 23 and 34, these remarkable women include a project manager, an artist, a former athlete and a children’s entertainer”.
Such tantalising and well-written prose, yet it leaves us with more questions than answers:
Are all of these ladies Australian (or at least living in Australia at the time of filming)?
Are they all stunning and eligible bachelorettes?
Are they all really aged between 23 and 34?
Being a seasoned Bachie viewer, my appetite is already whet by Trailer #1 featuring the introduction ceremony clips, where desperate girls try their best to make some kind of impression on our Bae, no doubt egged on by even more desperate producers. Among the obvious highlights/lowlights:
“I kind of wrote a song for you”
“it’s for your keys for your bach pad”
“I love Bacon and I hope you’re not a vegetarian”
Then, in Trailer #2, we meet Megan, aged 27, who loves being active, loves the water and has got our Beau hot under the collar already. She does look, at first glance, to be the complete package. And he seems smitten. Could she be this season’s Szchnedjanaramapyjama, who everyone knew would win from day 1 because she was the hottest one? I, for one, am not convinced, possibly because I have more faith in our Richie than I did in that other twerp.
Besides, I don’t like Megan already. There’s something about the way she scrunches her nose when Richie makes a joke that I don’t like.
Maybe it was patronising in a way that says: “I don’t find you funny or attractive but I’m playing along because I’ll do FUCKING ANYTHING TO WIN”. Or maybe it says: “I didn’t understand what you meant but I’m guessing it was a joke and I’m pretending to be amused”. Or it could even have been: “I did a silent fart and now I’m standing in the smell cloud and I’m just hoping it goes away quickly before you smell it”. For now I’m going with the patronising thundercunt version. There I said it. And I shall hereby hate this bitch until the end.
She does have good tits though.
One thing is clearly missing from the trailers so far. It’s understandable – Channel 10 want to keep some powder dry. You don’t let the biggest firework off at the start of the show, right?
KA-BOOM! Oshie’s Hair. It has been a long, cold winter without bathing in thine glorious light. And yet, how could we truly appreciate its heavenly beauty if we could see it everyday? Would we not take it for granted if it were around us for more than a few special minutes every Tuesday and Wednesday night for about 12 weeks a year?
Back to our Bae…
Richie tells us he’s “just looking for a girl who is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside”. We understand mate. You are aware that they haven’t invented personality implants though?
He’s looking for “someone that’s incredibly confident”. Something tells me that’s what you’re getting here mate (x 22).
He’s also looking for someone who is “happy with who they are as an individual”. err…something tells me you’re looking in the wrong place for that one, Richie Boy.
Richie, you were only bright spot last year’s utterly depressing, vomit-inducing Bachelorette 3, you fly helicopters and you single-handedly brought back the phrase “cool bananas”. You’ve got it all. Please don’t end up being a douche. We really want this to work out for you.
Good luck, Champ. We can’t wait for it all to unfold.