Like a nervous thirteen year old fumbling around in the dark with his first girlfriend, I realise I’ve gone off too early, because I was simply too excited to control myself. Thankfully, this time I don’t have to deal with an unwanted sticky mess, but I am left trying to fill an awkward silence – to pass the time between now and July 27, when the sun rises again and we can all finally get back to Real Life.
All I’ve got to go on is a few more 40-second clips – a few more tiny, tantalising morsels of Bachie Trailer-Teasing. Luckily for me, and you, these morsels may be small but they are simply delicious.
First up we meet Olena, 23, the striking, blonde model/make-up artist, originally from Russia. She’s tried hard to lose her accent, but every now and then she says something which doesn’t sound quite right. Or maybe she’s just BATSHIT CRAZY DESPERATE!!
As a child, Olena spent weekends hunting for wild bears with her oligarch father and weird brothers, and to this day she retains a love of the hunt: “I do like to attack with the eyes”, she admits.
She later reveals this is a technique she learned in the Russian wilderness: “On hunt, bear very dangerous, but Olena learn special Russian eye attack, Olena hypnotise bear, kill bear with hunting knife. Now Olena win heart of Richie-man”, she doesn’t go on to say. Be warned, Richie.
Next up is Keira, an account manager from NSW who doesn’t lack confidence or self-awareness: “I’m fun, I’m successful, I’ve got amazing style, I’ve got ridiculous cheek implants, and I’ve got a lego head”.
Chosen by the producers for her cube head, complete lack of shame and total willingness to do ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING to get her man, Keira seems to have a unique combination of cunning, crazy and complete slut that could just set her apart.
“I got this is the bag” promises Keira as her promo ends. What? What’s in the bag, Keira? What’s in the fucking bag?
The next Trailer is just the standard montage of ‘first cocktail party crazy’ where, despite all of their best laid plans and advice from friends and family, each and every girl somehow falls into the trap or acting like a complete fucking desperate lunatic. Get ready for the best 90 minutes of TV all year, people. And this no doubt ends with some ‘Princess Cray-Cray’ storming off the set in a rage because she didn’t ‘make a connection’.
Make. It. Stop.
It’s. Just. Too. Fuckin’. Good.
And just when you think it can’t get any better: Enter Janey. Janey with her Cinderella thing.
Janey still hasn’t moved on from Disney cartoons. Janey still plays with her doll-house. Janey has an imaginary friend. Janey still has tantrums if Daddy doesn’t buy her what she wants. Janey still believes in fairy-tales. Janey isn’t allowed to hang out at school any more. Janey has multiple restraining orders against her. Janey likes fire.
According to her bio, Janey “loves all things magical and names sparkles, unicorns and fairies as some of her favourite things”.
Can’t. Take. Any. More.
I’m. Going. To. Shit. Myself.
Does this go too far? Is Janey really real? Are there actually people in the world so messed up and desperate and completely oblivious that they will go on TV and admit this shit? My housemate, let’s call her ‘Housemate A’, doesn’t think so. In her first genius contribution to this year’s Bachie blog, Housemate A has decided that Janey is OTT and that including nut-bags like this “actually takes credibility away from the show”.
Oh Jesus. Oh dear. There I went. Time to do some laundry.