Bring it on!
Bring on the gratuitous shirtless shots (phwoar!).
Bring on the boozed up girls.
Bring on the ridiculous cleavages and the preposterous heels.
Bring on The Hair.
Bring it all on, because we’ve missed it so much and finally we can be whole again.
So much to discuss, I don’t know where to start. But I have to start with Janey. As if I wouldn’t start with Janey?
Janey, Janey, Janey, Janey, Janey. I love you, Janey. I love how you’re so passionate about unicorns and mermaids and glitter and fairies and fairytales. I love that you say your favourite fairytale character is probably Cinderella. Because it would be impossible to answer a question like that for definite and ever and ever! That just shows how seriously you take a serious question like that. I love that look of yours when you’re staring into space, like you’re playing Pokemon Go with the fairies in your head.
But let’s be honest – it’s not fair that the Producers of this show put you on TV for the whole world to laugh at you. And it’s already not funny. Good luck, Janey. Don’t listen to the producers, Janey. Stay on the meds, Janey.
Georgia is another that caught my eye. Georgia looks like Katy Perry’s twin brother. Georgia an alpha female, but she’s got a mushy heart like a marshmallow, and a space where her penis used to be.
She’s also got a fucking angry streak ok?? And if she wants to, she’s gonna fucking well take it out on somebody, like back in the day when she was playing footy with the boys.
You got a problem with that?
Eliza’s looking for her penguin. Eliza is walking very carefully. Eliza also talks slowly. It’s because Eliza’s fucking drunk already.
Eliza’s written a song.
Eliza’s singing that song over and over again.
Oh my fucking Lord this is actually happening.
Look at you, my heart beat is forever new.
I bet you’re real romantic, always ready for a laugh.
Look at you, I don’t twirl for all on view.
Crazy as this may be, how ‘bout it man of mystery?
Look at you, my heart beat is forever new,
Can’t wait to share this magic with you.
Don’t know about you, but that song was like a moment that went on for a lifetime. I wanted the earth to swallow me up, and yet, I couldn’t look away, not for a millisecond.
If you weren’t a believer before, surely you must be now – Only The Bachie has the power to deliver this kind of absolute nut-case car-crash must-see fabulousness.
Next on my list is Alex, from Malbourne. She gets the really romantic music so we know she’s a contender. Shame she didn’t get any time with the hairdresser before she came on set. Alex has got something to tell Richie, and in not exactly the biggest surprise of the year, it’s that she has a child. Yep, she’s procreated. And everyone should stand in awe at her and contemplate her greatest achievement.Because if they don’t she’s going to fucking cry and have a tanty. But it’s alright in the end because Alex gets the white rose and she’s planning on using it by taking Richie to the hairdresser.
Marja looks nice. She’s kept herself in shape since Grey’s Anatomy.
Do you think Marja’s Farscher is from Holland?
Or is it Marja’s Marscha?
Next up is Rachael.
We’ve met Rachael before. She’s the standard dime-a-dozen, bitter and twisted Bachie-Bust who sits there in the background looking incredulous as every other girl goes to actually talk to the Bachelor, then bitches about everybody behind everybody else’s back, and then complains when she doesn’t get a rose in episode 4. “Cheers” to you Rach.
My last special feature goes to Vintaea.
Thank Fuck for Vintaea.
In her brief but memorable 15 seconds of fame, she heaped praise on our Beau, Richie: “He’s got good alignment with his fuckin’ teeth, good fuckin’ size, and I’d probably fuckin’ eat the face off the cunt”.
She also showed tremendous empathy: “Richie, you must be shittin’ yourself mate”.
Sadly, later in the evening, the game catches up to her and to our great loss, she departs. It wasn’t all that surprising, given her ear-rings were too fuckin’ heavy, her dress was up to her fuckin’ cunt and her tits were so fuckin’ huge they were up to her fuckin’ neck.
Small mercy that this year’s Miss Rockhampton contest will be a bikini contest, again. Gives her a chance to retain her fuckin’ title. And there’s always Babes and Boars.
In Rose news, someone called Sophie missed her call time, was late to set, didn’t appear in the entire show and still got a rose. Things didn’t go as well for VintageCellars, some other pin-head called Natalie who actually seemed normal and another girl called Aimee. You were part of something truly great. Not a big part. But a part nonetheless.
Things we need for this season to be even more AMAZING than perfection:
- We need Keira to stir shit. All the fucking time. Until the very end.
2. We need Kiki to commentate on what’s happening. For ever. “Code Blue” anyone?
(I don’t have an amusing photo for this).
C) We need Oshie to do his incredible maths thing all the time:.
“3 of you”
“will be leaving the house tonight”
I’ll leave you with a quote of utter perfect romantic magnificence, from early favourite Megan:
“Love is like free-diving. You dive down to the bottom. You realise you haven’t taken a breath, and you’re in too deep”.