The run-down, the D-Low, the 4-1-1

So Richie clearly still has a gaping Sam-Frost-shaped hole in his heart, and it looks like he’s about ready to fill it. And after the first cocktail party shenanigans, tonight we settle into our regular rhythm of Bachie-Bliss: Single Date, Group Date, Bitching, Oshie’s Hair. Roses, Repeat.

Clearly Richie has already identified a small number of potential True Loves, based purely on first impressions/cup size. I for one don’t blame him, because there’s clearly plenty of filler at the mansion (and I’m not talking about the stuff in Keira’s cheeks, or Kiki’s lips, or Ted Danson’s boobs).

So we already have a number of front-runners, and each of them will get plenty of time in the next 2 months to go out with our Hunk of Manliness. And if they can manage to navigate that alone time without sliding down into the gaping chasms of their personal issues they might be in with a chance of winning this darn thing.

Our first Single Dates were revealing if not electric.

Nikki is a safe bet to go far – a down to earth girl from country WA who’s got a ‘Debbi Harry’s not quite as hot sister’ thing going on. She’s on the rebound from a long-term-relationship broken heart, a perfectly pitched sob story which which serve her well and give her just the right amount of Bachie-pity. Plus she’s not afraid to put the moves on a guy, and I’m getting the impression Richie is going to need a little help.

Nikki is also about Richie’s hotness level – somewhere just below an 8. Under normal circumstances she’d be fine, but unfortunately there are a couple of 9’s around, so she’ll have to play it perfectly to take out the title. Either that or compensate by dialing up the Slutty to 14.  She might have to consider not wearing outfits which expose her Spaniel’s Ears though.

Then there was Olena, one of the afore-mentioned 9’s. She is HOT. She’s so hot even the cameraman got caught perving. Twice! She’s got Richie all tied up in knots already. And yet there’s clearly something missing, possibly (definitely) in the bunny-boiler kind of way. In the words of Housemate A: “Shes that hot, and she’s single – there’s gotta be something majorly wrong”.  My money’s on Daddy issues. Big ones.

Tonight was also notable for Quote Machine Keira getting pissed off at just about everything. I’d  be inclined to think she’s a Plant but something about her just seems so angry, so bitter and so utterly desperate that it can only be real. The question begs: How long can the Producers order Richie to keep her in before it just gets ridiculous?

I would write about the Group Date but I can’t really be bothered, because most of these girls are so obviously filling important airtime. Two exceptions:

– Eliza: “There’s more to Eliza than a vampy dress at a cocktail party”. Yep. There certainly is. There’s a messed up, lonely, soon-to-be-rampaging psychopath who can’t cover up her clear mental deficiencies with really awful, ill-considered attempts at entertaining.

– Kiki: who  bought herself at least another 10 episodes when she put on that leopard-skin playsuit thing and gave half (the male half) of the watching public heart-attacks or boners or possibly even heart-attack-boners. The outfit didn’t go down so well with Housemate A: “she’s had so much shit put in her face. Seriously. Seriously”.
Hun, no-one else is looking at her face.

Tonight’s finale would have been satisfactory if we ended on our Gorgeous Host with The Hair, Oshie, serious face on, doing his incredible mansplaining thing:

oshserious

“Laura, Mia, you didn’t receive a rose. That means you’ll be leaving us tonight”.

Sigh.

But what actually came last was possibly THE most tantalising piece of editing/sound-byte trickery in the history of television, as literally ALL of the good bits were spliced together in a 60 second montage which said everything and yet gave absolutely nothing away.  Say what you like, these editors are really good.

Bachie. It’s like an uninterrupted packet of tim tams.

 


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