Week 2 begins. Tonight’s episode gets underway quickly – straight into the first date which can only mean we’ve got a fun-packed night ahead. Richie starts by picking another one of his Top 5 ‘Hot Enough To Marry’ list. No surprises it’s early favourite Megan.
So there’s a date on a crane, which looked better in the Trailer than it did on the show, and there was the usual chat, and there was a bowl of Lindt balls, and the lovebirds were attached to cables which removed any chance of the hilarious, gruesome, death-on-rocks scenario which I was secretly hoping for. Megan summed it up nicely: “I can’t believe that you thought of this”. Neither can we, Megs.
With feet back on solid ground, Megan delivers the completely rehearsed, very considered, thoughtful speech which she believes will set her apart, because it’s thoughtfulness, and definitely not her tits, which will set her apart. For Megan, it’s about Graciousness, Richie’s Graciousness. And FUCKING WINNING AT ALL COSTS.
Then, in the quote of the date, Megan declares “there are a couple of things that, if they were missing, would be a massive deal-breaker”. My mind is racing. She doesn’t mean his cock, does she? If so, what’s the other thing? His balls? Do you count them as 1 thing? Maybe this is a thoughtful statement? Maybe’s she means his heart. His cock and his heart. I need to know what she means!
Megan goes on to list both of the deal-breakers: “Nature”.
Nature for both?
Is this Family Feud?
I feel completely and utterly let down by this. I was convinced his cock would be one.
Far from being confused, Richie doesn’t hold back in responding: “You’re beautiful, you’re intelligent, you took your shoes off. Awesome.” It’s hard to argue with this kind of logic. I really like this guy. Note to other Bachelorettes: Thoughtfulness, Boobs, Taking clothes off.
The date ends with a ‘will-they-won’t-they’ kiss, which was revealing, not least for the chin-caress (the sign of a 2nd Dan Black-Belt Lady-Killer), and the confidence which Richie now seems to possess – he didn’t even seem all that nervous about making the move (although I do not doubt that it is because he’s really only thinking about kissing Olena now).
“Nice kiss” Richie says in a ‘not even the slightest bit patronising’ way.
Nice. But not amazing. Megan will definitely get to the final 3 though.
The Sex Factor tonight was turned up to 17 in the ad break as Sandra Sultry provided the Ch10 news update. Ooo-Lally-Lally! That women has still got it, x 1000. She could be my Bachelorette any day. I mean, she is like 45 and I would literally give up a foot. Either one.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Ted Danson & Gretel Killeen’s lovechild makes an amazing declaration: “I just wanna go on a 1-on-1, I don’t want to go on humiliating activity dates with 14 of these other fucking bitches when I’ll get ZERO time with Bachie-man anyway and I look scary in a helmet”.
Clearly no one told Ted/Gretel that the basic premise of this show is humiliation.
Keira doesn’t like it either: “I’m a princess, I don’t do that type of thing. I prefer Yoga, or playing with lego, or making lego buildings, or eating lego”.
Cue the over-competitive activity on roller skates thing where desperate women do even more desperate things for the chance to spend more vitally important seconds sharing the same oxygen as another human being.
For the winners, Richie’s “organised” a street festival, which is just so thoughtful. And it seems the festival lasts about 14 minutes in total, in which time Richie has to squeeze in his mandatory 2.8 minutes of chit chat with each of the 6 girls who were lucky/desperate enough to win. What followed was possibly the most awkward series of conversations I’ve ever experienced*. And I consider myself an expert in awkward conversations.
*NB this does not include Eliza’s ‘Look At You’ song.
The centerpiece was mysterious Tolyna, who starts by declaring she wants to get to know ‘The Deep You’, then follows that by having absolutely nothing useful whatsoever to say and trying to use the escape hatch at the first opportunity.
She couldn’t quite get there before giving us a few absolute gems though:
“You gaze harder than I do”. Seriously, where does this shit come from?
“Once you crack me open, it’s beautiful inside”. Trust her – sometimes she sits in front of the mirror after taking a shower.
Then Richie asks her a really confronting question: Who is Tolyna? Who is the mysterious woman behind the moustache?
Cue verbal diarrhoea of excruciating liquidity: “I’m not ready for kids yet. I’m 32, just turned, but I know I’m not ready for kids yet, which is a good thing I think. I love travel, I’m not gonna stop for nobody, so I need someone who wants to travel. Shall we go back to join the others?” Goodbye Tolyna. It was nice, not really getting to know you at all.
Next up is Cocktail Party Pot-Stirring time. The night opens with Bachelor Producer and on-set Mole Sophie getting pretty blasé about openly stirring the pot:
“Do you think there’s going to be drama tonight?”
“Do you thing Alex is going to use her white Rose tonight, after what happened last time?”
“Do you think we’ll get 12 minutes of high quality bitchiness to spread across the final 2 segments of air-time?”
They might as well let her keep an ear-piece on, so she can openly communicate with the director. It would make things easier for everyone.
The producers are really onto something with this White Rose thing. It’s like Gollum’s Ring. TV genius in its purest form. The girls are fucking furious at Alex, even though each and every one of them would do exactly the same thing Alex is doing.
TedGretel coins it perfectly: “We’ve had enough really. We don’t act like that. We’re not in high school flirting around a boy like we’ve got a massive crush on him. We’re adults. We do things in a mature way.
When we go looking for love, we go on a TV show with loads of strangers. And if that bitch thinks we’re BFFs any more she’s got a big surprise coming. Because I’m never ever going to be friends with her ever again and she’s not coming to my birthday.”
Quote Machine Keira is also feeling balanced about Alex: “The White Rose for me is something that is quite special, an advantage. Some people can handle those situations, some people can’t. All she needs to do is not use it and everyone can forget about it. Or give it to me, that would also be fine, because then I would use it as often as possible”.
Alex of course, feels terrible and wishes this terrible responsibility wasn’t cast upon her, because she just wants to get along with everyone: “I do care about what everyone is feeling about the whole White Rose thing, but at the same time, I COULDN’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK BECAUSE YOU CAN ALL KISS MY TINY ARSE!”
Rose ceremony humiliation time.
In great news for the equal rights movement, we find our 16 girls in their best frocks, standing in 3 lines, desperately hoping against all hope that a man who most of them have spent less than 6 minutes with will deign them to be worthy of more seconds spent in his company, along with 13 other girls.
Tonight Oshie’s got his serious midnight blue suit and ashen face on, which can only mean bad news.
And it can only mean he’s going to mansplain the rules again:
“For the 16 of you that do not have a rose, Richie has just 13 roses left.”
“I’m sorry to say 3 of you…”
“Will be leaving…”
“ Janey, Tiffany, Tolyna”
“I’m sorry to say you didn’t receive a rose”.
“Because the other 13 girls all received roses”.
“And there were only 13 roses”.
“Meaning there are no roses left”.
“That means you were the three who didn’t receive a rose”.
“And the rules of the game state that any girl not holding a rose at the end of the rose ceremony must leave the house”.
“And will not be allowed to return”.
“That means you will be leaving the house tonight”.
Other Rose Ceremony Humiliation Highlights:
Kiki hugging Richie TIGHTER THAN TIGHT so he couldn’t miss the feel of her massive fake boobs pressed against him. Play to your strengths, girlfriend!
Olena looking so utterly bored by the whole thing, as if she knows she’s going to the final 3 because Richie could barely keep his tongue off the floor on their date and because that’s what guys do around her.
Goodbye Janey. You were amazing. Stay on the meds.
Goodbye Tiffany. You were in the background.
Goodbye Tolyna. Beauty therapy has reliable options these days which don’t encourage grow-back.
This episode was brought to you by Lindt balls, the only chocolate choice for high-class high-wire dates, and Hahn SuperDry, the low-carb beer for high-maintenance polygamists.