A quick one from me tonight, reflecting the poor offering we were served tonight.
In a first for this series, we had a return of Oshie’s Man-Boobs (WTF?). Nice to see you again, girls.
Faith got a single date. It looked pretty ordinary: hanging out, playing sport, having a good laugh. Straight to the friend zone for Faith….But what’s this? Finishing off the games with a little tongue hockey eh? You could actually see it coming: Richie looks nervous, he starts to swallow, he starts blathering all kinds of dumb shit about how he really likes her and he can’t stop laughing and blar-di-fuckin-blar and then he leans in for a smooch. Lot’s of hands-action again, but alas – no chemistry. We can all see it.
Poor Faith. She seems nice (and not even completely desperate!). She does have good tits (better than Oshie’s at least). But she’s not going to win. It’s as simple as that. She’s not hot enough and there’s no way she can be slutty enough to make up for it.
Back to the house and the whole bitchy thing about Quote Machine Keira is getting a bit boring now. And why is no-one saying anything about her fish-pout which she can’t stop licking? It just goes to show how good a job Producer Sophie is doing in winding everybody up, and they keep falling for it. And yet, despite the bitching, Keira is still making meaningful connections with our Beau. Ah well, ‘the squeeky wheel gets the grease’, as they say. Or as Eliza says.
I really fucking hate Eliza. But it’s love-hate. She’s so fucking pathetic, but she has given us so much gold and we’re only 4 episodes in:
– She wrote the most awful, pathetic, hilariously embarrassing song about someone she’s never met. And then she sang it over and over again on TV to my utter and complete joy.
– She thinks she’s in the middle of a fairy-tale where she gets swept off her feet by the man of her dreams. And she’s completely oblivious to the other 12 girls who are way hotter than she is.
– She doesn’t have any lips, she has a jaw like Kaitlin Jenner and a power-lifter’s shoulders (like Kaitlin Jenner). And she acts like she’s a total Hottie.
– Whenever anything happens to her, like getting her name read out for a 10-girl group date, she acts like the oceans have parted, Destiny has called her phone, and she and Richie are alone together, the last two people in the world. Even if they were, he still wouldn’t want to fuck her.
I’ve never met you Eliza. So I wrote you a totally shit song. I wanted you to have it before you get voted off next week:
He’s not looking at you,
You’re friends told you to follow your heart,
But your dreams will fall apart.
You’re think you’re entertaining,
but everyone is complaining.
You think you’re funny, but you’re not,
A bit of a tummy, that ain’t hot.
You don’t have lips and you haven’t got big tits.
You can’t sing and you ain’t getting that ring.
He’s not looking at you.
The only person I hate more than Eliza is Ted/Gretel. She made a joke in tonight’s episode and I bet she’s still fucking laughing at it, months later. But where would we be without these two gems? I’ll tell you, we’d be 1 Humiliating Rose Ceremony closer to the Final because neither of them are making it through. Not hot enough.
Coming a close third in my hate-scale is Alex, who reached new levels of pathetic tonight, as she struggles with her torment of being the only poor lonely girl in the house to have a massive advantage over everybody else: “It’s hard that he hasn’t come to me tonight and I haven’t come to him either. So it’s hard.” Powerful stuff.
As if these emotive words weren’t enough to describe her torment, she went on: “And it’s scary. And I’m feeling nervous, scared, highly emotional. And I’m going to cry again. Sniff”.
Still there was more: “Not using the rose could be construed as me not being interested any more. And I don’t want to go home tonight. So I think I’ll cry one more time.Sob”
‘Damaged Goods’ – that one. She can’t hide it. She’ll probably get to the last 4, maybe even the final. But we all know it’ll be out of pity.
Enter Osh, man-boobs not on show this time (maybe he left them in Wardrobe?). And it’s time for the love equation thing:
“There’s 12 of you without a rose”
“Richie only has 10 to give”
“I’m sorry to say it ladies”
“10 subtract 12 is…hang on…it’s…it’s minus 2”
“And now I’ve got myself confused”
“But anyway 2 of you will be leaving us tonight”
Amazing. The equation of life equals love.
Tonight we say goodbye to Producer Sophie, whose pot-stirring work is clearly done, and besides they need her back in the edit suite. And it’s goodbye to Marschja, who’s going back to the set of Grey’s Anatomy for season 15 (yep they’re still making it, I checked).
This episode was brought to you by Dance-Express, teaching dancing daily with Stefano, and 5-Seeds, crisp refreshing cider for good mates who like to hang out and play sport and then make-out for a bit. Because there’s nothing wrong with that.