“My fingers and toes are both crossed”

“I am so ready for, like, a date card” says Katy Perry’s Twin Bro.

Date Card

It’s fair – it has been almost 6 years for Poor George Perry, pretty much since she started full time weight training and taking those supplement powders. And with that revelation another epic Bachie adventure starts.

Tonight’s opening sequence is well and truly spoiled by more pathetic wallowing in self-pity from Alex, who is sure to be the first girl to feint this series. But woe is not you, Alex, for you have been chosen for a single date. But you’ve only got 15 minutes to get out of your active-wear and get dressed as a crème caramel.

caramel creme before

I don’t think Richie planned leaving the house on this date with 10 other girls watching. AWKS. With a capital AWKS.
Nevertheless, Richie has planned an awesome date, and once again he’s thought of absolutely everything. There really is no end to this guy’s thoughtfulness. He’s almost exactly as thoughtful as the last 3 Bachelors, which is pretty incredible, and something of a coincidence.

Alex, whose gullibility knows no limits, is quite flattered by the special consideration and thought that Richie is clearly putting into their dates:
“I was so surprised that he even thought of something like this”
“He’s making me feel like the most beautiful woman on the planet. Like there’s no one else”.
“There he goes again!”
“I feel so thankful that he has gone over and above again for me”.

Fucking Jesus – this girl is so stupid.

So physically giddy is Alex by the end of their date, Richie could literally put his ball-sack on her head and she would be overcome with happiness. Instead he’s got “internationally renowned artist” Allen Stone (no relation to Angus. Or Julia. Or Sly and The Family. Or The Stone Temple Pilots for that matter). And Alex is crying again: “No-one has ever done anything like this for me before”. That’s because you’ve never been on a TV show before, you FUCKING MORON.

I thought my favourite part would be when Richie went for the boob grab and got a glass of champagne instead.
But obviously my favourite part was after the disgusting, sick-in-my-mouth full-tongue snog when Richie got a little TOO excited.
“Goodness gracious” Alex says, as she realised she could feel his hard-on pressing against her leg.

Richies boner
Alex and Richie admire his trouser tent

And that was the moment she fell in love with him FOR REAL.

Alex can hardly contain herself: “We’re just on a different level now, and I really like that”.
Richie responds: “I wanna see that deeper side of Alex…”
“The inside”, he didn’t say.

After that there was a group date involving fake babies and mini-golf. Fake babies and mini-golf – a guaranteed method to finding love amongst the madness.  Nothing of note except Nikki got a single date and things got a little smooch-woochy to say the least.  Nikki’s turn to get The Tongue this time, which will no doubt come as a surprise to newly-engaged-in-her-mind Alex.

Sure enough, at the cocktail party, Nikki’s kiss did come as a bit of a surprise to newly-engaged-in-her-mind Alex.  Cue more cringe-worthy dithering about the terrible burden of carrying the White Rose and whether or not to use it because it’s so confusing and hard *sob*. She’s shaping up as favourite to win it, but Alex is  clearly broken inside and it’s only a matter of time before Richie smells the desperation.

In other cocktail party highlights, Eliza is still talking about her song and how Crazy she is! Such a crazy, crazy girl! Unique! One of a kind!  And she just knows she’s the one for Richie: “I feel such a connection with Richie.  I think there is that attraction on both sides”.  Yup. Can anyone smell a rejection coming?

Rose Ceremony Humiliation time. And we start with another great quote from George Perry, Katy’s twin brother: “Time is running out, and that’s really confronting. Even more confronting than seeing a bad dose of re-growth in the mirror in the morning”.

Rose Ceremony Humiliation time wouldn’t be the same without Oshie Maths, and he doesn’t disappoint:

“There’s 10 of you who don’t have a rose”.


“Richie only has 9 roses left to give”.


“One of you will leave the mansion tonight”.


“Because 10 minus 9 is 1”


“And that means 1 girl will have an extra rose”


“Hang on…no it doesn’t mean that”.


And so Richie doles them out, and he acts like he’s thinking deeply about it, but really he’s only thinking one thing: “Which spot do I give Olena her rose, so it doesn’t seem obvious?” And it was 7th.

And seriously KPTB Georgie got another fucking rose? WTF? Is this show rigged?

And it comes down to 2, and it’s Noni and Eliza. Noni delivers a cracking quote to mark the moment: “I don’t want to be sent home without him seeing all of me”. And by that she means even the bits that weren’t on show at last week’s cocktail party.

Well, Richie must’ve heard you Nonns, because he gave you a rose.  Or maybe he just couldn’t face any more Awks-Talks with Eliza.

And so we say ‘Bye-Bye’ Eliza. We shared a moment that will live on in eternity, pretty much how it felt when you were singing. Look after your heart, Lizzy. And your cats. And your ornamental cats. And your dolls-houses. And your Patrick Swayze poster collection.

This episode was brought to you by Camilla, dressing Bondi twats since 2004, and Peugeot, making crappy little French cars since 1889, and by presenting sponsor Hahn SuperDry – Never Settle for dating one woman when you can date 6 at once.


2 thoughts on ““My fingers and toes are both crossed”

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