Hello Ladies! Tonight’s Bachie gets underway and immediately Oshie’s man-boobs are back. And he’s got 2 blue envelopes to make the girls squeal.
Kiki gets picked for a single date that has been ‘specifically designed’ by Richie, because Richie’s so thoughtful and dedicated to finding love and he can’t think of anything better than spending his time designing wonderful, new, unique, original and romantic ways that he’s going to spend time with all of his girls. Like having a date in the middle of an empty sporting arena, which has definitely never been done before, especially on the Bachelor.
But first we’ve got the Bachie Olympics, which isn’t Keira’s cup of tea. Because Keira wants a normal date, like spending a peaceful afternoon with Richie and 10 other girls, dating him in a normal way. Because Polygamy is normal, isn’t it Keira? (ouch!).
Oh Keira, when will you understand that the basic premise of this show is total humiliation?
“I’ve just realised how sad this show is”. Housemate A is back in town and she’s back with a cold dose of reality. It only took 4 seasons to kick in, but A got there in the end. She’s still watching though, despite a bad dose of jet-lag. Class.
Faith wins the most competitive badge and gets at least 7 minutes of private Richie time which ends in the usual “gorgeous, incredible, I feel so relaxed, blah blah blah” before Richie moves in for The Tongue. He might as well get what he can before she leaves, because Faith’s not the one. I’ve said it before – Not hot enough, not slutty enough.
Onto Kiki’s date. Kiki’s slutty enough. For Kiki, Richie’s specially planned some unique helicopter experiences that we’ve definitely never seen before on the show. And then a romantic moment under that stars where we discovered that there is less intellect in Kiki’s brain than in the silicone in her boobs, which she squeezes against Richie at every opportunity.
Kiki reveals she is “determined to show him everything’ on this date”. Like how she won’t let him finish any sentences. Or how she has a really annoying bogan whiney voice. Or how she can pout 26 different ways inside a minute. It’s not exactly a great plan to keep her in the competition. But she’s always got those fake tits. And they just might be enough.
Cocktail party time and the usual stylist is obviously off-sick, because suddenly it’s like an episode of Housewives of Miami. Keira makes a move and does a great job of utterly entrancing everyone in the house. No-one can keep their eyes off her. It’s beautiful stuff. To be fair, she did look good in that red cat-suit, even if she does say so herself.
One interesting occurrence in the cocktail party was that we saw the first use of the verb ‘White Rose’. As in: “You need to white rose this shit”. Genius. I’m going to use that 5 times tomorrow in sentences.
Fuck Me Dead! Broken Alex is crying again. “It’s all so hard, and scary and confusing, sob, sniff. I just wanted him to come to me”. SHE’S SO FUCKING PATHETIC. When will the producers realise this shit is EXCRUCIATING?
Sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I will remain calm from here on in.
Rose Ceremony Humiliation time.
Girls lined up.
“For the 9 of you who don’t have a rose”
“Richie has just 8 left”.
“I’m afraid that means 1 of you has to leave the house”
“Because 8 into 9 doesn’t go”.
“That would be 0.88 recurring”
And the music is starting to ramp up. because now it’s getting really serious.
WTF Georgie again? Seriously? And Ted Danson?
But seriously Georgie? Still?
As the solemn music descends, it’s poor Russian peasant-girl Sasha left standing alone.
What now? Oshie’s back to explain the repercussions:
“Sasha, you didn’t receive a rose”.
“So that means you’ll be leaving the house tonight”.
Thank god for Osh. Where would we be?
And so it’s goodbye to Sasha, average, crazy Russian. With Eliza leaving yesterday, Richie has clearly made a decision that he will not tolerate girls without any lips.
And besides, she was never going to win. Clearly not enough hot/slut/lip combination for Richie.
Life can be hard. And love is a battlefield.
This episode was brought to you by Adrenalin, providing solutions to 40th birthday present dilemmas since 1996, and presenting sponsor Hahn SuperDry – beer for men who abseil.