Tonight’s opening has the girls reflecting how they can’t believe it’s down to 10 girls already, and you’re all wondering one of two things, depending on your gender:
a) how many weeks of this shit are left?
b) when will this finally get interesting?
Let’s get real peeps – It hasn’t been great so far. But one thing we can all be certain of – there’s really no way on earth that the number of Bachelorettes could increase under any circumstances, because there’s rules. Oh hang on, the 158 trailers I saw this week said there would be intruders again. Yawn.
It’s Ted Danson’s turn to say Cheers! tonight and honestly I’ve never been less interested in anything in my whole life than what happens on this date. Because it’s basically a perfect Richie date: A bit of climbing, a bit of bikini action so Richie can have a good look at Ted’s fakies, absolutely nothing interesting being said by either person, and finished off with “one of them rum testing things”.
In the ‘not awkward or unplanned at all’ kissing scene at the end, Richie begins his usual approach sequence with a few patronising comments: “You keep stepping up”, “You did a sensational job” etc, before adopting his trusted 3 step process:
- “Incredible woman”
- “Absolutely gorgeous”.
I’m getting increasingly bored with Richie. I had high hopes after last year, he seemed like a nice guy, but he really does have absolutely no chat whatsoever. He’s a dullard, and as the central character in this drama, it’s making the whole thing dull. And the repetitive, robotic nature of his ‘game’ is not exactly helping.
I feel sorry for Ted. Since she left Cheers! she’s only had the Three Men and a.. movie series and a few other cameos. And she’s been left alone. She’s a realist if nothing else: “I don’t have to be the most incredible looking person, as long as I have massive fake boobs”.
Meanwhile, back in the mansion Kiki has ‘found’ a blue envelope and the girls get to play their favourite game again for the second time today! – It’s the guess the contents of the envellope game!
“Do you think it’s going to be a single date or a group date?”.
Oooooh. I love this game.
Pick me! Let me guess!
Single Date! No, Group Date!
Such a great game.
There wasn’t to be any date though. Instead the producers just wanted the girls to get absolutely fucking wankered all afternoon so when the intruders arrived all hell would break loose. What resulted felt like an episode of Geordie Shore or Ibiza Uncovered – classless girls dressed up to the nines, dribbling all over each other, slurring their words and crying into their sparkling wines. Class.
All that was missing was someone vomiting into a bush and an actual cat-fight.
At this point, I do feel a certain sense of obligation to point out that I’m not a Keira lover. Two of my most loyal fans, let’s call them “The R’s” have pointed out that Keira is indeed a fucking cunt (in as many words), and that she’s due a good serve of Judgeyface. Well, to “The R’s”, and to everyone else, I say ‘rest easy’ – Keira’s got some coming. It’s just that Alex is getting some more first.
On that note, my favourite moment of tonight’s show: Alex waving at her fiancee as he approaches in his helicopter:
And then her total confusion and betrayal when she realises she’s been fooled:
So good. It’s all about you Alex. Sucked In.
And so we welcome 3 Intruders:
- Steff, who is a model, which means she works at a topless pub in Adelaide. She may also be a vampire.
- Sarah, who is practising to be a ventriloquist. Either that or she has a severe case of lockjaw. And that voice!! (It didn’t go well with my ears either, Keira).
- And Carlia who has eyebrow issues.
Rose Ceremony Humiliation Time.
In a big shock tonight, Osh Maths didn’t compute:
“For the 12 of you”
“that do not yet have a rose”.
“Richie has just 11 to give”.
“I’m sorry to say one of you will leave”
“the mansion tonight”.
It all seems to add up so far. But then Megan has a moment of clarity as she remembers she has some self-respect left before deciding to leave of her own accord. Surely Osh that means 11 roses, eleven girls, right?
Apparently not. So we say goodbye, at last, to Katy Perry’s Twin Brother Georgie. We all knew it was coming eventually, the only surprise was that it took this long. But then again, there was Eliza. And that nutty bird. And remember the foul mouthed one from Brissie!
I would feel sorry for Georgie if she weren’t such a bitter, childish fuckwit. Her last action was to be a Dibber-Dobber. Her last words were calling the intruders ‘fucking skanks’.
(She may have been right on that last bit)
Look on the bright side, Georgie, at least you can get back on the Roid powders and back to the gym. And think about all the UFC fights you’ve been missing!
We also said Goodbye to Megan, but fairplay, we have to respect self-respect. And she seemed normal, and she has epic tits. So I daresay she’s getting some back in Perth
Lastly, some great quotes were shared by Housemate A tonight, which I made note of but couldn’t quite fit into the narrative. So I thought I’d give them a separate section:
- “How does she not have erect nipples?”
- “Don’t get your hopes up love”.
- “Oooooh eyebrows”.
- “Look how drunk they all are”.
- “Oh my god how tight are her pants – That’s borderline FUPA“.
This episode was brought to you by Hidden Door, Glenworth Valley Outdoor Adventures and by presenting sponsor Hahn SuperDry, Never Settle for anything less.