“Gold class was my max”

Tonight’s epic, unparalleled  Bachie drama was all about Noni, our exotic, sweet, lonely princess with epic bazongas.  Nones must really feel the writing is on the wall now that Richie has chosen the Undead for his next date.


Alex is relaxed though. Because Alex doesn’t picture the two of them having a future together. Because Alex has already started planning the wedding. In truth, Alex has been planning this wedding since 1998. Alex bought the dress on her 21st birthday.  Alex has had a venue on hold on Valentine’s Day every year since 2003. Alex has already sketched her Richie tattoo.

So Richie went on a date with the Undead and to make it worse she’s a massive bogan. Isn’t it amazing how much of an awesome petrol head Richie is? And isn’t it so darn sexy? And wasn’t it awesome how they rode the jet-ski really fast?  And didn’t Undead just love that Richie didn’t give her a go?

Back on dry land – Blah blah blah dynamics, blah blah let my walls down. Snore  Time for Richie Kiss Routine #7:

  1. Intelligent
  2. Beautiful
  3. Tongue-

Hang on! What’s this? Undead went for the peck on the cheek! Maybe this tried and trusted 3-stage technique doesn’t work on the un-living? Maybe  she was concerned  about the foul stench wafting from the depths of her rotting carcass? Or perhaps she was worried some of her undead teeth would fall out in his mouth at the probing of his tongue?These important questions, and many more, must go unanswered for now.

In the highlight of this date segment, Richie let us into some of his most private sexual desires when he revealed ‘he doesn’t want to take a girl up the garden path’.  This was, quite frankly, surprising to me – mainly because he admitted it on TV, but also because it’s a big call to write this off completely when you’re only in your thirties. It’s early days Richie! If you haven’t tried it, don’t knock it!  It can be very enjoyable, especially with the right lubrication.

Group Date time and we have new ways to humiliate people! Some girl who looks like the Lion from Wizard of Oz, or maybe it’s the Cat-Woman, is running some kind of compatibility test that she literally pulled from New Idea last week.

lion   catwoman

And this girl might have the most annoying voice in all of TV history. Except for the new ventriloquist girl who showed up last week:


After some random question bullshit it ends up with the pre-determined outcome of Alex making some real connections and OMFG she’s so fucking smug about it. Jesus I hate this bitch. Does it show?

Anyway in great news for my bitterness, Faith wins the day, and all the other girls just loved it (because none of them think she’s a threat)  and I loved it (because I hate Alex).   Could Faith be a dark horse? Will Richie slip her the Tongue? Will this lead to tears from Alex? All of the answers to these questions feel painfully obvious.

Faith and Richie take a romantic lake walk with added candles that must have lasted for at least 14 minutes. Blah blah funny, blah chemistry,  etc etc. Richie Kiss Routine #3:

  1. So much in common
  2. Beautiful soul
  3. Tongue

And this time Richie didn’t leave anything to doubt, reaching his tongue all the way into her beautiful soul and finding everything he was searching for.

Cue quote of the day from Housemate A: “I knew she had Pash Rash on her chin”. Not her best night, but any mention of ‘Pash  Rash’ needs a mention. And don’t worry – I’ve told A to up her game, that we’ve come to expect more.

Cocktail party and cue more pathetic dithering from Alex about the White Rose. It’s such a difficult advantage she has to endure, poor pathetic creature. And she would give anything to be within arms reach of her son. But she isn’t because she’s in a shitty TV dating contest with 9 other girls. Gees she really loves that kid.


After more tears about some paranoid shit I have no interest in, Alex declares: “I’ve been bottling that up for so long”. Wha? It must have been at least 2.3 minutes since you last cried, you pathetic puddle. At least you’ve got your friends to support you through this, like Nikki, who is also in love with your fiancee. Christ I can’t wait till Alex gets kicked off the show. It’s going to make it all worth it.


Rose Ceremony Humiliation Time

The Epic Blade Runner music returned tonight. It really does add something to proceedings.  They’ve been holding this back, but it’s hard to get really excited about a girl finding out that she’s not going to get a second date with a guy, without it sounding like a movie where an entire planet is about to explode.

Osh slides in wearing azure blue and does his incredible addition show:

“For the 8 of you”

“that don’t have a rose”

“there are just 6 roses left”

“2 of you”

“will be leaving”

“the mansion tonight”

Holy fucking shit balls! 20% of the snapper is being discarded in the dumpster!

When it’s over, Osh returns to complete the equation:
“Noni, Carlia, you didn’t receive a rose. That means you must say your goodbyes. Because to continue in the show you would have needed to receive a rose. But you didn’t receive a rose. Because there were 2 less roses than there were girls. And the other girls all have roses. And there are none left for you. So that means you are out”.

Noni leaves us finally and it’s a bittersweet feeling. Because I think she’s genuinely a sweet girl who has incredible tits and we won’t get to see them any more. But she leaves with her dignity somewhat intact (as far as could be possible) and I’m sure she’s got studs queuing up for a go on those beauties, back in real life. Don’t go bacon their hearts” Nones. But you go, girl.


This episode was brought to you by N2 Extreme Gelato. And by presenting sponsor Hahn SuperDry


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