Sorry people I’ve been away again on important business type things and I’ve missed another crucial episode last night. But I’m going to put a guess out there and say it was dull.
So Richie decided to give the boot to the woman who took all of our breath away, Olena. Maybe it was fear of her Russian Mafia/Boxer father. Maybe it was because she was too incredibly hot and he felt way out of his league. Maybe it was the complete and utter lack of personality between either of them which made him nervous. But in the end, Oshie’s Rose Maths meant someone had to go, and it was hot, sexy, volcanic, hot-sex-volcano Olena.
Up to now there has been a fine balance between Olena’s hotness and Alex’s annoyingness. Olena’s not there any longer and this show just got massively less enjoyable. Thank fuck there’s only one episode left.
It’s meet Richie’s family time and in an amazing twist, the producers have decided to make Richie’s Mum play nasty and give the girls a grilling. Ho Hum.
Richie’s Mum gave it a go but her bark as worse than her bite. And by that I mean her face was a lot meaner than her questions. She clearly wanted him to consider the negatives of choosing Alex. And by negatives, she meant Alex’s child.
Richie’s sister’s dress didn’t impress Housemate A. “It looks like she’s got eyeballs where her nipples are”. Neither has Alex’s hair passed muster: “I don’t like the way her hair grows out of her head”. On Point, A.
Then it’s final dates, and please God when will this agony end?
Nikki is nice and is so in love and blah blah. Nikki thinks that kissing Richie harder on the lips will make his feelings for her increase. But crucially The Tongue is nowhere to be seen.
Alex is a single Mum and blah blah. Alex really cares etc. And when they kiss Richie slips her The Tongue and this means she is going to win.
The highlight was when Richie and Alex were swimming and I imagined Alex being eaten by a shark, and Housemate A said exactly that thing at exactly that moment. Maybe Housemate A and I are meant to be together?
The lowest of the many low-lights was Alex reading that god-awful poem. It would have been so much better if she had brought along Eliza’s ‘Look At You’ song. And now Alex is crying again. FFS.
Osh is here and he looks really ill. I think he has Bali-Belly – a really bad case of it. You can tell from the chats with the girls that he’s trying to cut it short so he can have another spew.
It’s finally the end and oh Jesus Richie picked Alex Twat-face, with her god-awful foot tattoo and massive emotional problems. Good luck, fuckwits.
As Housemate A has declared: “The power of the penis has pulled him to Alex, after their chocolate hot-tub”.
Now that we know who wins, must we really sit through Alex gushing through her eyes and her knickers at the same time? It seems we must.
Richie declares, “all I want is someone who is going to be my equal”. And in that wish being granted, the season comes to a close. It’s a result which, whilst being very sad for Nikki, the only normal person in the show, is entirely apt – Richie chose a total moron.
The last word goes to Housemate A: “Snooze”.
This episode was brought to you by GP Israel diamonds, who make all kinds of rings including rings that indicate serious feelings and stuff but which definitely aren’t engagement rings. And by presenting partner Hahn SuperDry – reconsidering its sponsorship strategy with every episode.