Are we really doing this again? And so soon?
If we try again, do we really expect anything to be different?
Are things going to change? Because I can’t go in half-hearted.
And if things don’t change, I can’t keep going.
I won’t be disappointed by you again, Channel 10.
I’ve really struggled with this one. After the major disappointment of the recent Bachelor series (and by disappointment, I mean Richie), I don’t know if I’m ready to commit to late nights twice a week to give literally tens of you an opinion on the trashiest TV in the world.
But like Richard Burton and Liz Taylor, I just keep coming back for more. And a simple 3 minute montage of complete douchery has pulled me right back in.
So let’s start by analysing Georgia. The key premise here is that she has quit her ‘dream job’ to go in search of love. Her ‘dream job’ was being a TV journalist in Tasmania, where she moved from Melbourne.
Georgia seems very nice. But let me be absolutely clear about one thing: Nobody chooses to move to Tasmania. NOBODY. It just doesn’t happen. Clearly her employer moved her to Tasmania because she wasn’t good enough for the big-time. So Georgia ‘quitting her job to go in search of true love’ isn’t exactly true – she was going to quit anyway. Believe me, I’ve been to Tasmania. In just one episode on mainland TV she’s probably increased by 1000 the number of people who have ever seen her on TV, so she’ll be fine for work.
Intros and first chats:
We got special douchey intro music for 3 guys tonight.
Rhys – entrepreneurial model fuckwit.
Carlos – entrepreneurial stripper fuckwit.
Sam – showers looking at himself in the mirror fuckwit.
It’s this kind of special that you only get from Bachie, and that’s what keeps us coming back for more.
We got plenty of square jaws and winning smiles. We got some lookers, some nice blokes, the cooky bug-eyed one, some complete wankers and a few complete anonymouses.
We saw 4 guys who couldn’t walk properly – I’m blaming the tightness of the suit pants, but if it isn’t that then who the fuck knows?
I also clocked 6 guys not wearing socks. FFS.
The rest was pretty boring. There’s something about the blokes’ first night that they’re always cagey about how much of a move they put on in front of the other guys. And yet they say all kinds or creepy, pathetic, douchey bullshit to the cameras (and therefore to the nation), completely at ease with the creepy, pathetic, douchey image they’re portraying. Men, eh?!
- Lee, Courtney and Disney-loving Cameron are our Final 3 for this series.
- Lee is going to win. Housemate A confirmed my theory when she said during the rose ceremony: “How the fuck is he still single? I mean, what the fuck has he been doing?”
- Courtney needs the win more because he will be bald in less than 2 years time. He may already be half way there.
- Cameron will deal with the disappointment of coming third by coming out of the closet.
- If you ever go on the Bachelorette and they tell you to wear a naff shiny brown suit, just know that you’re only there to make up the numbers, pack your bags and go home now.
- Making Poo jokes in public isn’t as funny as I thought it was.
- Guys who are into themselves are really, totally into themselves. They have no self-awareness. They are completely oblivious to all things which are not directly related to them. We should not mock these poor souls, we should pity them. But that wouldn’t be any fun. So let’s get stuck in.