Having spent a week away from normal Bachie life, I realise I let you down, my devoted audience. Not that any of you called, or wrote to complain, or wondered whether I had been abducted by aliens. Nothing from you. Did you even notice?
Anyway, I’m sorry, my people. I apologise for the gaping void I clearly left in your lives. And so I return to normal service. And yet something is not right:
- There’s an intruder, who looks like one of the walking dead with an under-bite;
- There’s an arm in a sling, but it’s attached to Rhys so I couldn’t give a shit;
- Some guys left the show last week but even if my life depended on it I couldn’t tell you who they were.
Apparently, according to office chat I missed a really good episode last week. Apparently some stuff happened involving croquet. Apparently the guys had a good time. Seriously, I’m so fucking bored of this. I didn’t miss it for a minute. Hahn SuperDry really has got it right – life off the couch really is better.
Anyway, it’s single Date time and Georgie’s organised a private plane for her and Courtney. I really loved Housemate A’s response: “she’s like, ‘yeah this shits all over your skurfing date'”. Choice. I think I might be in love with this girl, A.
As the date unfolds I’m feeling a sense of deja-vu. In fact it’s like a ‘Deja’ which keeps ‘Vu-ing’. Because I’m pretty sure I’ve already seen Georgia ask Courtney on a single date, then spend the day talking about how she definitely ‘feels the connection’, ‘senses the spark’ etc etc but maybe Courtney doesn’t ‘feel the connection’, ‘sense the spark’ etc etc. And now it’s happening again. Only this time Courtney finally leans over and kisses her, pecking her mouth with his little snake tongue, like his brother told him to do, trying to make the magic happen like it does in the movies. It only makes me feel uncomfortable in the depths of my soul.
Sorry, Courtney fans. Maybe he’s just playing hard to get. But I just don’t buy it – it feels like he is trying to work out something deeper, something far more fundamental. Like whether he can convince himself that he could be straight despite all those feelings he gets around all the hot guys in the house.
Meh. Courtney gets a rose. Georgie might be falling for him. Etc.
Next up is a straight-up old fashioned Douche-Off between Sam and Rhys, in which the outcome was in no way pre-determined by the producers who are clearly running out of production budget. The main highlight for me was Rhys finding new heights/depths of narcissism: “I’ve had two standing ovations, at a club in Brisbane, from popping and locking”. Yup. He did.
In the end neither of their massive egos could lower themselves to publicly state they were emotionally involved in Georgia or actually interested in anything in life other than themselves, for fear of not actually winning the thing and therefore publicly not getting the girl. They were probably being honest, I guess I can’t fault that. But fuck me, these guys live their whole lives like this.
I blame woman-kind for making them like this. Shame on you.
In an abbreviated cocktail party section, Short Man Syndrome’s Matty J pushed HARD to get noticed by creating a cheesy game about getting to know Matty J. This didn’t end up being as bad as I thought it would be, but it was still pretty fucking awful. Still, it got him a rose, and finally she noticed him. So I guess he’s happy enough tonight, despite having to stand on a stool again at the rose ceremony, and having to buy ‘Tallmen’ height-assisting shoes his whole life.
Rose Ceremony Time
Oshie once again pulls the mathematical rabbit out of a hat and surprises everyone with the fact that he hasn’t brought along enough roses to go around. Boy got skills.
Georgie makes sure all the gay ones go through then adds Jake, Short Man Syndrome’s Matty J and Clancy for good measure. This leaves Intruder Vampire Boy and Anonymous Extra #2 to get the boot.
They never had a chance, based on genetics. And lack of personality / being undead. They really could’ve thought about this before they applied for the show.
This episode was brought to you by Jamala Wildlife lodge in Canberra, and by Kettle Popcorn, lovingly crafted and deliciously fashioned, and by presenting sponsor Hahn SuperDry, lower than low carb, great for getting ripped, cut, shredded etc.