“Gently, but firmly”

For some reason I’ve discovered I still have a social life, at my ripe old age. It’s been a surprise. I thought I was past it. I’d resigned myself to a life of crappy TV and sofas. This is a good thing, right?  Sure, only it has become increasingly difficult to vent my pent up anger at douche-bags and TV wannabees on reality TV.

It’s already late, so I’m trying an experiment.  I’m going to watch The Bachelorette at 6X speed and guess what’s happening – I’m calling it Judgeyface speed-dating. You’re all watching it anyway, you don’t need me to tell you what happened. I doubt if any of you actually read this blog anyway. If any of you are out there and are actually reading this thing, maybe you can tell me if I got anything right. I’ll leave it up to you.

So 20 macho men has quickly become 6 potentially gay macho men, and it happened all too quickly. By the looks of it Short Man Syndrome’s Matty J has worked the sympathy angle to a tee in the last week or so, and he’s scored himself some alone time with Georgia on today’s 1 on 1 date, which has been brought to you by Chemist Warehouse.

Georgia scores a classic car and they end up on a steam boat so I’m thinking ‘back in time’ theme. They’re doing some dancing, then it looks like some gingers are trying to make friends which would normally lead to a punch-up but in this case might have been dance lessons. The cut-aways to interviews with Matty probably have him talking about how he’s falling for her etc etc. There’s probably voice-overs with Georgie talking about ‘the spark’ etc.

More dancing, then a romantic scene on the couch. This is where Housemate A sat on the remote and it went to normal speed and Matty J said ‘Ease it out, Gently but firmly’. We agree that will make a good blog title, and also agree to leave it on regular speed to see if he kisses her. Then Matty comes out with some of the cheesiest chat-up bullshit I’ve ever heard on this show, and she is drinking it in, she’s positively squiffling at the ping, and pretty much crying at the same time.

Then the kiss, and Matty gave it the full eyes-closed, soft and slow lip kiss, which seems fine…until he goes for the second-bite and puts his mouth all over her face. I vomit in my mouth and speed it up to 6X again, but incredibly this doesn’t make the rest of the kiss happen any quicker. Apparently time also stood still for Georgia, because she’s gone all doe-eyed, she clearly needs to change her knickers and she’s practically fallen in love. Well done Matty J, pretty impressive stuff from the little guy. Given there’s only a couple of straight guys left, you might have a real chance.

Next up is some funny stuff with some old guys, it looks like the Bachelors are feeding them chat up lines. Oh, what a classic idea that is! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA it’s so much fun, this show, it really is.

Then there’s some writing challenge and 4 of the gay ones have to read out something they’ve written – maybe love letters?  For a brief moment it looked like Courtney was struggling to write because he was sitting next to Cameron.

“This is Crap” says Housemate A at this point.

Next bit and Oshie looks pleased with himself. Ooh it’s a blindfolded dancing challenge! It might have been because it was 6X speed, but it looked seriously fucking creepy. Seemed more like groping and sleezing than tripping the light fantastic. Gay Cameron scoops the win and they sneak off for what I can only assume is more Disney chat.

Cocktail party time, and it seems like a procession of mini dates as each desperate douche desperately concocts a different desperate douchey way to stand out. Can’t see Clancy standing out though – his mini date didn’t even warrant any screen time.

What now? Not enough roses, serious looks, thoughts of making connections and time spent together, you know the deal – it’s Rose Ceremony Time!

Blah, blah, blah and Clancy’s gone. There was some sub-titles for a minute which I couldn’t even be bothered to rewind. Let it go, mate, she doesn’t care.

So it’s a 50/50 split of gays and straight guys as we head into Home Visits week. The suspense is killing me. I can’t wait to find out what happe-snore…..

I’m off to bed to catch up on my beauty sleep. Ok I’m going to watch Gogglebox.

This episode was brought to you by the aforementioned Chemist Warehouse. It was also supposed to be brought to you by Hahn SuperDry but I didn’t see much beer and the sponsorship team at Hahn must be reconsidering their investment.

One thought on ““Gently, but firmly”

  1. Awesome. I’m watching it wrong, although you did miss the Haagen Dazs endorsement when they took a mouthful of ice-cream followed by a swig of bubbly. Yuck.
    Oh. And Courtney wrote a fucking POEM for the love letter.


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