So it’s the final week, and after getting over her obvious and justified anger with Courtney, who pig-headedly refused to fall in love with her after 2 entire dates, Georgia is ready to move on with 3 gorgeous guys who are truly as desperate for love as she is. This seems straightforward, only the producers have told Georgia to explore her doubts about each of them – major, important, real doubts like:
- They live in the same town
- They don’t live in the same town
- They haven’t had a serious conversation in either of their 2 dates so far
The dates start with Lee, mechanical plumber, 35, immaculately dressed in oatmeal blazer, crisp white shirt and navy slacks, probably with no socks inside polished moccasins, standing in a paddock, leaning on a fence, looking utterly gorgeous and pensive, as he awaits the unknown (which is actually Georgia arriving imminently in a helicopter). And it’s not exactly the unknown is it? Because Lee’s the hottest one. And by my trusted Bachie love-prediction-system, that is exactly why he was always going to win. The fact that he is a) from Melbourne and b) from Money only seals the deal. And it doesn’t actually even matter that he’s c) secretly gay.
“I miss her, blah, blah, she connected with my family, blah blah deep feelings etc” Lee is really, seriously feeling this. And he’s really, seriously good looking too. Housemate A had it right in episode 1 – “why the fuck is he single”?
Georgia’s got something special planned for Lee – She wants to revisit all the romance of their previous dates. All 2 of them. So it’s official, the producers have finally run out of ideas.
Seeing the other 2 dates again gives the producers opportunity to show all of their kisses again, with Lee trying way too hard to really mean it with his mouth, and this gives me mouth-vom. After brushing my teeth, I reflect that it’s when you see it in context like this that you realise these people barely know each other and might have spent 5 hours in total in each other’s company, that the whole concept seems utterly absurd.
Lee doesn’t find it absurd. He finds it real, genuine, deep, meaningful etc.
“I’m falling for you”, he tells Georgia solemnly.
“I’m on the same page”, she replies.
Jake’s up next and he’s got feelings and he’s excited by the connection and he’s using his sexy voice all the time now, not just for when he’s about to lean in and tongue-kiss her whole face.
Jake’s moody, mysteriousness is in full effect as they sail Sydney harbour and rub up on each other. “It’s deep, it’s meaningful, there’s so much more to explore” he probably said before doing the tongue thing again.
Now it’s cocktail time and we see Jake getting himself dressed in moody mysterious black tux, and slipping on his lucky gold pinky-ring which has his name on it. At this point I lose all respect. “You can take the boy out of the Gold Coast” etc.
“What an entrance!” Jake exclaims as Georgia walks in to the cocktail bar with a slit up her skirt so high he must have seen her twat. I think this is pretty rude – I mean, just because he could see it, doesn’t mean he should have pointed it out on TV. And who calls it an entrance nowadays?
Before tonguing her whole face again, Jake declares he thinks she’s “the one”.
“I’m on the same page”, Georgia replies.
Short Man Syndrome’s Matty J is up next, and before we know it, he’s banging on about falling in love again. Because he’s realised that appealing to her desperate insecurity is his best strategy to winning the show. And because the producers have told him to talk about it.
So the whole date becomes about Matty finding / not finding the right moment to tell her that he’s in love and I’m just thinking: ‘I’ve seen this crap so many times before and I couldn’t care less, and anyway Lee is going to win’.
Matty finally gets around to it in the jacuzzi (where we find out that he waxes his immaculate chest BTW). He fumbles over the words for ages which leads Housemate A to think he’s really nervous. I just get the impression he’s really fucking cold.
“I’m completely falling for you”, he finally tells Georgia solemnly.
“I’m on the same page”, she replies.
Rose Ceremony Time
No time for cocktail schmoozing tonight – Osh has come in with ashen-serious face and insufficient rose-ness. This can only mean one thing.
After the epic music goes to level 11, it’s bye-bye for Jakey Boy. He looks crest-fallen. I feel sad for him. Then I remember the pinky-ring and feel immediately better.
In the post-dumping guilty whispers outside the door which have now become her routine, Georgia consoles Jake: “You’re amazing and you make me feel amazing and I’ve really only done this so you can go home and look after your family.” Whatever you want to tell yourself, G-Love.
Thank Christ it’s nearly over.
Other things Housemate A said tonight which I couldn’t be bothered working in, but which deserve a mention anyway:
“She’s got really dirty toes”
“She looks like she’s had a nose job to me. Do you not think?”
“I just want to kiss you all over your mouth”
“They look like they’re having a bit of a rub n tug under the water there”.
This episode was bought to you by Bose headphones, Grant Burge (again), Archie Rose Gin and Whiskey Distillery, and of course presenting sponsor Hahn SuperDry, getting less Return On Investment by the minute.