Apparently everyone has. Here’s mine: He’s a fucking douche. Bachie’s back! And by that I mean Oshie’s back. (swoon). And it looks like he’s done the right thing and had a boob reduction. (double swoon!). This time it’s on an island. To help us cope, the producers have simplified things by removing all the desperate, … More Have YOU got a Jake Ellis story?
1 The girls are relaxed Elise isn’t a real threat She has no top lip 2 Elora’s strong arse could crush a bowl of walnuts in world record time 3 Matty likes Tara Like Elise, but much taller Also has both lips Housemate A: “she should not be wearing midriffs” “i need … More “I was in my room doing sit ups”
Matty got nuthin’ Monotone cliches, soundbytes, crap banter, can’t dance Housemate A: “ok that tuna was so overcooked. “They cook seafood all the time”, but look at it!” “So awkward. he pulled her face in and she gave him the cheek” “I don’t think you should put camel and pants in the same sentence” … More “You know, I do love a deconstructed banoffee”
Matty wanted to score-a, he was randy as a goat. So he picked the yank Elora. she clearly floats his boat. The other girls deplore her, They fucking hate her guts they think she is a whore – a Scheming dirty slut. He wanted to stick it to her, she told him that … More “He thinks I’m catering”
Savage ex-strippers, Hungrily feast on their own. Girls with broken souls Housemate A: “He’s not an attractive child, I’m sorry” “She’s a nanny. It’s her job” “Its not about the drama. I mean, I haven’t just spent the last 10 minutes stirring the pot at all” “Wow Matty, you’re really smart” “Seriously how big … More “A mountain out of a mo hill”
Such pathetic tripe Girls so desperate and sad Humiliation Housemate A: “Those meatballs look revolting” “Her lips are so annoying” “She just scraped through with her desperate game, didn’t she?” Christ on a bike. What am I doing?
1 Each year there’s a ‘Jen’ Slutty clothes, acts ‘shy’ and ‘real’ Devious whorebag 2 Matty is so dull Like series-bingeing Offspring ‘Living Room’ feels right 3 Bachie deja-vu: Drunk skank reaches tipping point, Has world’s worst tattoo Housemate A: “Pull her in and smoochy-smoochy” “She’s about to do a full nip-slip” “Look … More the first one is always going to hurt the most
1 Something is broken Finger Stroke, awful ‘poem’ Warning – damaged goods 2 Devil’s Advocate: “Playing Devil’s Advocate” – Not correct usage. 3 Running out of chat, stare. hand on cheek, pout and lean. Matt’s kissing routine. Housemate A: “That’s not a poem” “Two pashes down” “…with my bowl of white … More Creme La De Creme
A surprising choice For the first and fateful kiss the girl with no lips Housemate A: “Imagine if aliens came down and saw this. They’d be like: What. The. Hell.” “How come you’ve never drawn me?” “Not humiliating at all”
22 girls in their best-est frocks, High heels, make-up, and perfect locks, But too much champagne, And not enough shame, And they’re on TV behaving like cocks. (this’ll never be as good as Gogglebox) Way too early prediction: He’s going to fall for the hottest one. It’s mildly disappointing to already know that Lisa is going … More “lots of filler kicking around”